Khia - The Life and Single Times of A Jewish Wigger

Dating Fail

2011-08-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

I was out to dinner with friends and could hear the painful conversation being had by the awkward first date next to us.

"How long have you been on match?"

Dating an online date is like Fight Club. You don't talk about online dating on the first date. In fact, who cares how your experience has been online dating? Obviously it has been total shit if you are still on it! Save that chat for never.

Give Me Your Tired Online Dating Weary Masses

2011-08-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

So now that I have a BF and my life is perfection thru and thru, I have tried to help others. I have become a YENTA. I was always one of these nosy skanks deep down. How else do you get to judge others in the name of "helping" AND make it to heaven if you match three jewish couples (for my non Jew readers, there is a saying in the talmud that if you make 3 matches, you make it to the jewish eternal place of awesome).

I listen to my single friends and try to encourage them. In fact, I want to help anyone who needs dating help. I see people being boring on dates or not dressed right or acting insecure and I want to help them. I wish people would let me manage their dating and social lives. I would whip your shit into shape. However fucked up you think your life is or your dating resume, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Plenty of people with way less to offer than you get coupled off. Because they are out there living life and meeting people and eventually they find someone. If you are not dating or hiding in your apartment watching netflix and eating chinese takeout, WAKE THE FUCK UP. Especially to my Jewish sisters, please please please you are worthy. You are my kosher goddesses. Go strut your shit.

If you need online dating help, I would love to give you advice for free.

Meet The Jewish Parents

2011-07-06T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well it happened. The BF, who my parents still can't really call "boyfriend," rather they say "friend", came to my hometown.

It was not nearly as awkward as I thought it would be, but when the BF had "the talk" with the dad, I stared at my watch thinking I could watch one episode of any shitty sitcom on cable and they would be finished afterwards.

One hour and 30 minutes later--they emerged. The BF did not look scarred and my dad did not have a heart attack. Apparently they actually talked about everything.

We dined on blintzes afterwards.

L'chaim!

How Not To Get Asked Out Again

2011-06-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

One of the great things about being Jewish and into the religion is the small inbred circle you reside in perpetually. It is weird now going to Jewish things/shul/religious stuff with a BF. I enter the room and have gone out with enough dudes in the room to start my own minyan usually.

So You Think You Can Online Date?

2011-06-09T08:26:00.001-07:00

I over-the-shoulder-surf match.com with my coworker to keep her spirits up when she just cannot bear another click on her own.

I swear I wish people would let me edit their dating profiles. Some of this shit is so painfully boring I wonder how they even live with themselves let alone share their vivid personalities with another person.

if you believe in yourself, you will ride a bike

2011-06-08T12:06:00.001-07:00

or get some, either way.

i have revived the blog. it has been interesting to go back and read all of my crazy ass stories. after years of being single and bitter and ragey and hilarious, i am not not single but still hilarious and occasionally the other negative shit too.

for all you lonely folks out there, just keep on keepin on. yes, be the little kid on the bike.

longest first date ever

2010-05-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

yesterday i had a first date. met him at some hipster bar because they have board games. it is super hipster and i told him if he showed up in skinny jeans i was turning the fuck around. its kinda near a latino hood so i'm getting hit on by all these mexcians as they do their laundry and shuttle their kids around to the empanada store. i see him and i'm like oh yes he is cuteeee. prob about 5'7. thin but whatever. he was in a band in college and afterwards so he has sick arm muscles. kinda dark blondiesh hair. idk he is just cute. so i'm nervous and thanking my lucky fucking stars that i looked good. yayyyyyyyyyyyyy. and i am his first jdate. he is probably my 200th. we talk for 8 hours about judaism and rabbis and all the shit i love. he grew up non religious and is finding his way towards some sort of religious life. he reads everything and i was loving that he cared about judaism.

it was just great being at a bar with fucking chaka khan playing in the background and talking about rambam. just felt normal. so he has two beers and i almost make it thru 2 glasses of wine. i said we could get dinner but he said he was having too good of a time to eat. which is exactly how i felt.

oh right did i mention he is almost 10 years younger. i know. i dont care. he said he doesn't care. who knows. at one point his mom called him to make sure I wasn't the axe murderer!

rest of weekend is not relevant or newsworthy.

We've received: Mo'Nique: One Night Stand

2008-10-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

you missed some funny ass shit. hilites included monique talking about her divorce. she asked her girl s'mmore for dating advice. and she said "u from baltimore, go put on your finest shit, and go stand outside the ravens while they practice. you need a baller shot caller"

she had 6 hot guys carry her ass out on a fucking throne. she gets off and goes "ohhhhhh one of em was shaking, i was like, nigger, go backstage and do some situps or something before you carry my big ass on stage"

more of my patented jdate overanalysis

2008-10-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

dude "viewed" me so i viewed him he seemed cool but not into judaism really so i was not bothering writing him. however, profile did say he spent a few years in miami running a club. shit like that i dont forget. we agree to go out saturday nite. which i hate doing because if the date sucks i have ruined my favorite time of the week.

he lives 60 miles away so we meet in the middle at a giant mall. complete with medieval times, great stores, movie theater, bars, starbucks, nail salon, fucking everything. fine. he is late so i start to shop and buy a coat for the winter whilst waiting. he shows up and i'm thinking SWEET JESUS HE IS SO CUTE WHY DIDNT I WEAR A SLUTTIER OUTFIT. DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN. but i looked good it was fine. kiss on the cheek hello which either means he thinks i'm cute and was confirming that or he is just a dude like that.

during the date he asks me to go sailing w him before the weather gets bad. i said yes. [FUCK YES]

post mortem: i never heard from him again

from the files of you cant make this shit up

2008-10-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

instead of wallowing in misery i was just jdating and i am chattin with some dude who says he is in town.

5 lines in goes "do you put out?"

jesus.

my answer was "if i want to i suppose."

I swear i am so goddamnned naive i thought well maybe he is looking for someone whose answer to that is no since he is sick of meaningless relationships. RIGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

my big fat greek gym launch

2008-10-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

last saturday nite this new gym i'm going to teach at had a launch party for a new location. its a fancy gym, has endless pools, steam room and a coed sauna, beautiful studios and ass kissing abound. clients are mostly type A lawyers, gay dudes, and locals.

basically it was like being at a bar at a gym. there was a bar and finger food. some chick got drunk and was testing out the treadmill, two dudes who were scammin on each other were over by the free weights showing each other good bicep workout ideas, some chick was hula hoopin. it was insanity. every man was in beautiful shape, the other instructors and myself were like shit we better get some sausage casing clothes before we start to teach here. good times

drinking while driving miss daisy?

2008-08-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/08/04/morgan.freeman.accident/index.html

ackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk drinking while driving miss daisy?

funny email i wrote to a potential jdate

2008-07-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

Subject: pretend we are at a bar....
here is your napkin

xxx.xxx-xxxx

hump squats

2008-06-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

i swear at the gym this AM i saw this chick doing squats while holding onto a column in the gym and it just really looked like she was humping the pole. i wanted to make it rain on her.

the reason people don't put pics on their dating profiles

2008-03-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

wrote some dude from jdate and it turns out we went to college together and i didnt really remember who he was because there was no pic. he sent me his and now i remember who he was. and not in a lets go out way.
rather in a how do i say its not gonna work without hurting feelings way. time to resort to my trusted, "i am taking a break from dating" lie.

i love ny

2008-02-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

i live in ny 4 years and the worst thing that happens was fighting with a bitch roommate or elbows at a club. i visit for 4 days and everything i materially care about is gone in a ny minute.

My big fat greek president’s weekend larceny

2008-02-18T09:56:00.000-08:00

Let the games begin.

Plan was to leave thurs right after work to surprise bridetobebitch at her l’chaim/drinks nite at some fancy hotel that her tiny dicked fiance enjoys. but work was fucking nutso due to me spending Tuesday stuck in traffic whilst watching the snow fall down and cars plow into each other. Missed work stuff, missed aerobicizing, and they fucked up at the gym too and didn’t tell people classes were cancelled so my gym family was fucking stranded waiting around for me. Felt bad. Called boss from traffic [read: parking lot] and he told me to just find a mall and go shopping as the roads were total shit. Ahh, retail silver lining.

Have to park car at train station garage due to my lateness, which is expensive, but whatever, needed to get the fuck on the train. The parking garage has signs everywhere that says “take parking ticket with you.” Unfortunately this is a significant event.

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I hate purses. I fucking hate them. They drag you down and are annoying. I am all about hands free living. However, since I wanted to go straight to the drinks hotel I knew a lil purse was inevitable because I needed to take my ipod and camera and cash [taxis. Booze. Etc.]

I am running into the train station all decked out in hooker boots because I didn’t take a suitcase since I had stuff left at bridetobebitch’s from prior visit so I could just lock and load next time I came to visit.

Go to Amtrak self serve kiosk and try to print out ticket. For some reason it prints out my return portion despite me not asking it to do that. Unfortunately this is a significant event as well.

I run to the ticket counter, thank gd there was no line b/c I am the only asshole hopping on a train this late on valentines day. Kind morgan freeman behind the desk finds my ticket and asks me about my valentine’s day so far. I said “ I’m single.” He goes “well that is their loss -- have a nice trip”. I run to train in tears- Breakdown #1!! Woo hoo

On train, listening to ipod, putting on mini-makeup which I had purchased so I wouldn’t have to shlep a makeup bag on the train.

Wonderful, by the time I get my ass over to the hotel it is 12:15 AM. The cab driver was trying to fucking talk to me and driving all slow and I’m like HURRY UP APU I AM FUCKING LATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. No one was there despite me texting friends saying to hold the party if they could.

Friday I go to workout with the bridetobebitch and her AWESOME trainer at his studio abouts 3 PM. We got there before the trainer and since he is the only one with a key and you can’t get in without it we shop for a few minutes next door and I get bridetobebitch some furry thing from Benetton to keep her ass happy. Now why did I buy it for her? I had my purse with me because, well, I just did. She did not because it was going to be the holy Shabbos at 5:150 ish so she just took her metro card and would swipe onto the train and have no money or anything electronic on her when she got out of the train.

My irreligious ass was rocking with full on battery powered items and the horror of dolla dolla bills.

Trainer Dean lets us into the building with his key and then the elevator with a different key and then the studio with yet, another key. I follow bridetobebitch who drops her stuff in one spot [new Benetton purchase, coat, other purchases she had] and drop my stuff there too. Go to the bathroom and we are ready for ass kicking. I remember taking my ipod off and putting it into my purse because I didn’t want to be trained with it on thinking that is rude and well, they had really good music playing at the studio. Unfortunately this is a significant event as well.

After training we are ready to roll and my purse isn’t there. I knew right away it was taken. I remembered specifically putting lil Ipod back in that bad boy and leavin it right where it was no longer.

Keep in mind bridetobebitch needs to be on the subway in like 4 seconds since its gonna be shabbos soon. Also keep in mind we are throwing a big ass dinner for her and her mans uptown and all these people are showing and I don’t wanna make her late to event #2 which I essentially have been busting my ass to plan. I force her to leave. Breadown #2.

Call the cops. Big help. And by big help I mean “Don’t even bother filing a report,” says guido Officer Krupke. They suggest I look in the trashcans around the building. Joy.

bridetobebitch doesn’t have a phone on her so I stick around at the gym to make the necessary “Please cancel my life” calls. While Outkaast and Dr Dre is blasting in the background. Which totally helped me stay calm thank fucking gd.

Ever try canceling your phone while Gin and Juice is blaring? I was trying to explain to the kind lady that I wasn’t calling from a strip club and I wasn’t drunk but voice was hoarse from panic, tears, and teaching aerobics without a mike.

Then I cancelled the credit cards. Then I walked all around looking like a vagrant in black workout pants and a hoodie glancing in trash cans for my purse. I didn’t touch anything but believe me if it was in there I would have ripped the can to shreds and just burned my hands on the shabbos candles later.

Now, I would like to replace my credit card, but I have no ID as they stole my license and old grad school ID card as well. Citibank tells me that I could try walking into a branch [closed by now – and its preso weekend as well] and see if they will buy my story and give me some cash, but the best they can do is mail me a new card that will be in my place about Tuesday.

Same deal with AT&T.

So I have no money, no ID, no phone, no keys to bridetobebitch’s apartment. No keys to my car. One of the trainers gives me $5, I hop on the train uptown. Breadown #3.

Where is the spare key to my car? Is it in the car itself? Is it in my apartment? At work? Anywhere? My older bro who used to use the car said that there maybe one of those key boxes under the cage somewhere. I call my boss and ask him to look in my now no longer secret drawer at work. I call my friend who was staying in my apartment and give her carte blanche to rip my closet a new one lest it be there. Nothing.

Walk into shabbos dinner looking like a bum. Breakdown #4.

Another friend lives in same building as dinner so we go to her apartment where I decompress and shower and then head up to dinner and receive a standing ovation for being an asshole.

I basically spent the rest of the weekend trying to replace shit in between events. Good fucking times. Sex class was good though.

I cry at Amtrak yesterday begging them to let me on the train without ID since my ticket was stolen. And can I pay with my friend’s credit card? And no I don’t want to file shit right now and get the $4 I will be left with after Amtrak collects their $75 stolen ticket fee. Just get me on the goddamn train. Yes you can look at the police report copy. Which isn’t filled out b/c apparently there is so much crime in NYC they don’t Xerox the fucking police report, rather they give you a blank and say you can request a copy later. He lets me on. But I will have to show my not-copy-copy of the police report to the train dude.

Then I get into train station and AAA dude finally gets there and unlocks the car. Did I mention my parents signed me up for AAA while I was enroute home? I dumbed down my story to my dad and told him that I just lost my car and house keys. Didn’t mention anything else as he would probably not be pleased. And really I already feel like such a moronovich I just don’t want to tell him. AAA dude calls me from outside the garage saying he doesn’t want to pay for parking – I say just get a ticket and I will pay the $10 for the 15 minutes it will take to unlock the car. And if the spare key isn’t there then I get to wait for the lock rebuilding dude to build my car a new one. Dear gd, please don’t let this take up too much $$ as the dancing for dollar fund is slowly winding down. Some thug driving a black escalade shows up with timbaland boots, roca wear jeans, everything. As he breaks into my car he is talking to me asking me where I live blah blah blah. I’m like umm I am on my way to boyfriend Randy Moss’s place.

I look in the spot where spare key would be and THANK JESUS it was there. You have no idea how happy that made me. I almost hugged the thug but then I realized I would have then been raped right then and there.

Then how the fuck do I get out of the garage? Ticket was stolen. I try explain my situation to the lady with the serious afro who has to call her supervisor. Fine, dear supervisor, I kept the stubs from my train tickets to and fro so you can see I am not lying, please just let me pay with cash and get the fuck home. And he does.

Then I pray that the gaggle of cops right outside the garage don’t stop me for gd knows what since I am now driving without a license.

Oh yeah, and my license is out of state, so if I want to keep it that way I gots to go home. And most likely have to fess up to ‘rents that I’m an idiot and/or get a local one which means I have to regress back to age 16 and take a road test.

never.try.

2008-02-17T09:39:00.000-08:00

i shlepped up to throw my friend a bachelorette party and a lovely shabbat dinner with friends. it involved a shit ton of work and the bride to be is so passive. was like pulling teeth from a corpse.

to top it all off i got robbed.

physically i am fine, but my purse got stolen. my apologies to people that have tried to call and for me not being in touch because my phone has been in grand larceny limbo but it is replaced now.

and if you see someone walking around with my awesome ipod feel free to murder him many many times over

and if anyone has a cousin who knows how to break into cars mine is stuck at the train station

out of state, out of mind

2008-01-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

dude from out of state IM's me. he references saved by the bell in his profile. looks cute and normal and fun and not hyper jewy. we chat, email, talk. he has tons of miles since he travels for work and wants to visit. i say OK. why not. he is the one risking the flight. we discussed the possibility that we might not get along and he said he could always go to a hotel. so i just thought ok fine. of course this whole week i have been freaking out, cleaning, cooking, got a fake tan, tried buying new clothes, in addition to it being busy time at work.

i pick him up from airport and i just knew it wasn't going to work. there was something off with his eyes. he tells me he has horrible vision and has to wear insane prescription glasses and has his secretary write shit for him. insta-friend zone. so after a drink and walkin around i'm like i really just dont see this happening..i am so sorry blah blah blah. so he changed the flight and i took him to a hotel. he has millions of miles. i feel awful but why should i just give him pity points for being from out of town. shame. so i'm going to hell a lesbian.

and this spray tan shit is the bomb i must say. life as a darker person is great. i always knew it would be.

i give up

2008-01-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

in the spirit of going out with a bang, my jdate subscription expires on 1/11. so i am giving my trusted inner circle of “friends” carte blanche (IE my login and password) to do whatever the fuck they want with it. email anyone you want. tell them i can put my legs behind my head.

what do you get out of it? well, pick someone in your town and i will move there. or at least we can laugh at this online bull shit before i disappear offline and run to a homeless shelter for dates

my rules: no divorcees, must be jewish, no baldies (unless fully shaved), no fatties, no assholies, no pussies, gotta know something about being jewish other than bagels and shitty athletic abilities

jdate.com

Password: penis ( I changed my usual password to that because i figured yall could remember it nice 'n easy bitches!)

sweatin to the bayside oldies

2008-01-03T09:10:00.000-08:00

working out this AM to saved by the bell. what a great way to start a new secular new year. here is a little quiz for you SBTB'ers, you know who you are. out yourselves!

what did lisa use to come up with her outfits in the episode where they graduate class of '93?

a) a bedazzler
b) leftovers from every wedding in the 80s
c) salvation army bins

correct answer = all of the above

i swear she was wearing fucking crepe paper over a sports bra or something this AM.

this has got to be a fuckin joke

2007-12-31T09:06:00.000-08:00

was SUPPOSED to go out with this guy i actually, oh i dont know, LIKE, and he cancelled. dear god, i hate you.

love,

anyone up for cutting themselves tonite? will be more fun than watching some flamer ball drop and pretending you are happy

an online plea/ode to dating

2007-12-28T08:59:00.000-08:00

can you cheer me up please? some douchebag stood me up last nite

trying to fight the urge to hit the haagen daaz and become the fat woman of every man's dream

Seen On Jdate

2007-12-04T06:20:00.000-08:00

Check out the 1st line from a profile:

"I'm 31 and a recent college grad"

Please say you spent years 18-27 either:
-serving in the golani brigade of the israeli army
-tending to your mother who is dying of something awful
-touring with Jay Z

Don't Move Bitch, Get Out The Gym

2007-11-27T11:20:00.000-08:00

Anyone else catch the anorexic chick at the gym this AM? Initial reactions: cry, give her a hug, give her a cookie, give her 100 cookies, tell her it is OK and she should get the fuck home.

Bitch reactions: Throw her ass off the goddamn machine, watch people's reactions to her when they first see the living dead actually move in repeated motions continuously.

Gyms need bouncers to keep the Holocaust victim riff-raff out 'da club.

I hope that girl is planted in front of a sheet cake right now with an IV of cake going up both arms and up her ass. She needs it.

Dancing With Myself

2007-11-27T06:41:00.000-08:00

And by myself I mean with a felon.

Got invited by new date to some rubgy penis fest.

Fun as shit because:

Rugby players, like black people, don't give a fuck
Be you and rock out
Being a non-rugby playing dyke made me 90% hotter than most of the "women" there
One of the dudes fucking KILLED someone and served in a few good prisons while he detoxed from the murder -- decent dancer though
Another one of the dudes was a backup dancer. For Mariah Carey. And he put his # in my phone.

Not fun as shit because:

New dude shows mild signs of alcoholism
Playing a sport that is known to cause brain damage would be a red flag in non-tribal countries
Not sure how much chemistry is there - he is basically a reckless version of me. SHAME

Top 10 Signs You Are Shacking Up With Someone Else and Not Living in Your Apartment

2007-11-27T06:11:00.000-08:00

"Someone" in my life has basically moved in with her BF. She graciously let me stay in her pad -- whilst there, the signs that your apartment has been abandoned while you live in sin became clearer to me than her big fucking engagement ring:

Clocks haven't fallen back
Only clothing left is granny panties and comfortable shoes
Freezer consists of 1/2 eaten butterfinger bar from 1989
Dust bunnies have turned into dust elephants
Bed sheets are from the Wonder Woman collection
Medicine cabinet consists of VapoRub and expired contact lens solution
Only DVD left is "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"

Signs of Hope

2007-11-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

Jeans still zip
Dude in my aerobics class asks why I didn't go into an Israeli commando unit
Kick ass new slut boots
I didn't waste mascara on just one mother-fucker on Sunday

Ya know I think I should just hold "Man Office Hours" and plant my ass down in a Starbucks, get an extra-venti venti and take gentleman callers til the caffeine wears off...

Top Ways to Wind Down After An Uneventful Date

2007-11-20T07:11:00.000-08:00

Listen to the Numb/Encore Linkin Park/Jay-Z remix
Remind yourself that the macaroons being considered for dinner are not going to morph into a mutli-O giving penis anytime soon
Watch The Color Purple -- realize that unless I am raped by my step-father, beaten by Sergeant Murtaugh, and ugly as fuck, I am still doing OK
Remember the quote my awesome coworker said whilst dancing with me at a club "I felt like telling all those guys to take a fucking number"
Call brother who dated more girls than Wilt Chamberlain for support
WWMD - What Would Mo'Nique Do - NOT GIVE A FUCK

Indifference Kicks in Like Van Damme

2007-11-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

Ya know, the more dates I go on, the less I give a fuck. I will be dirtier with my references, lose inner filter quicker, say whatever fucking comes to mind. In a few more months, a first date with me will basically be me Judge Judying some dude until I get bored.

Should last about 5 minutes tops.

In fact, here is what I just emailed the next victim:

"Are you still down for some turkey stuffing?"

Double Fisting

2007-11-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

Jdated two victims Sunday. Good fucking times. Which really means bad times spent not fucking.

#1 - nice dude, laughed at my jokes, blah fucking blah. Looked a bit like his picture -- had he contracted AIDS and lost a shit load of weight (nice how depression hits men and women differently -- we blow up like Star Jones before stomach staplers, and this dude looks frailer than the prisoners at Abu Gharib)

#2 - cool guy. One of those quiet types that makes me actually care about what the fuck comes out of his mouth. Told me all about his karate shit. Even mildly demonstrated some moves on me. RRRR. Ya know how they say that if a guy touches you on a date that he is into you? Well all the more so if a guy nearly gives you a knee to the brain and a twisting headlock. HOT.

Proof There is A God

2007-11-16T10:15:00.000-08:00

My newest Jdate victim's email address has his first and last name so I can online stalk his ass
Candy corn on sale at CVS for $0.09 cents
Boss is out of the office today
My new haircut looks fucking good -- after I use my black girl hair gel to relax my Jew-fro
2Pac

Check Yoself Before You Wreck Yoself

2007-11-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate cold weather. Growing up in a mildly warm climate where it snows for 2 hours a year, you get used to:

not having to check the weather
tshirt and jeans and you are good, bathing suits in the summer
no coats
no clothing that pretends to be extensions of your epidermis (gloves, scarves, hats, long johns)
planning your outdoor time on if the sun is up or not, not if you can feel your toes or not
no misery with every waking step outside

And on a chick note, extra layers make me look FAT.

2007-11-16T05:30:00.000-08:00

Someone at the gym said that I was the girl that is always smiling.

Say what motherfucker??

Me? Smiling all the time? Me? Bitter at my shit love life, struggling to drag my ass to the gym, barely has time to do her laundry me?

Yes. Me. Ya know, it's true. I am generally pretty fucking happy. Which is probably the irony of this dating misery.

Shame.

I think I am happy most of the time because I am thinking of shit that makes me happy:

Dancing to Sean Paul's "Feel Alright"
Chris Rock's treatise on Defending Rap
Gina from Martin's line in Boomerang: "I hope you catch a disease and your dick falls off"

AHHHH. I feel better.

I Swear I am Being Stood Up RIGHT NOW

2007-11-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

So, this dude IMd me on AOL.

I ask him who the fuck he is....apparently we had spoken last year via Jdate and he remembered me. Yay. Hoo fucking ray.

Me: So you kept my screen name from a year ago and decided to write?
Him: Pretty Much

WARNINGGGGGG. Why did I not think that this was a flag that is redder than the books at Enron?

After chatting for a few days, he asks for my number. So fine, I give it to him -- after all, nigga might change. He asks to meet up and I give him two potential times for this past Sunday.

He calls me and I don't pick up because it was blocked. Fuck that shit -- I don't wanna waste my goddamn time talking to a fucking telemarketer.

He leaves me a sketchy sounding message and doesn't leave his phone number.

JESUS.

I email him asking for his phone number so I can call him back. Nada.

The dude will only speak to me via IM apparently. It bothers him if I'm not online at the same goddamn time as him. If I am online and away from my desk (god forbid a bitch has to pee), and he writes me and I don't write back in .4 seconds, he gets his panties in a wad.

Red Flag #2

He tells me it is condescending for me to tell him the 2 times i can meet on Sunday.

Yeah. It sure is.

He asked me out for tonite at 6. He offered to come near my office; and I thought that was lovely of him -- sort of a peace pipe for being so weird. I sent him a few places where we could go, but he didn't pick any of them and I had to leave for a meeting. He said we would discuss it later. This was at 3 PM -- I get back online at 4:30 PM. And I haven't heard shit from him.

I got dressed up for this? This guy must be fucking mental. Thank fucking Jesus/Allah I did not skip the gym for him....I would have found him and cut his little dick off.

Some of the Lamest Shit I Do

2007-11-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

Check my SPAM folder to see if any emails have accidentally been misfiled by the servers at yahoo
Check Craigslist to see if I am a "Missed Connection"
Wear tighter clothes at the gym when I go at more crowded hours
Bring my Maxim's to read at the gym with the hope that some man will see me reading it and fall in love with my cool ass
Youtube Saved By The Bell Clips

East Coast versus West Coast JAPs

2007-11-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

At the gay wedding, I met my west coast counterpart. Another female jewess who is rockin out one day at a time with her bad self. We were insta-friends. Ya know how in the normal world you are supposed to just say hello to people politely and ask stupid shit about their flight and their jobs and their shoes and blah fuckin blah. I could be real with this chick within 2 seconds of knowing her. We were both wearing shiny dresses, skanky shoes and we were both late as fuck. And we both have mouths dirtier than the floor of the mo’ money pawn shop I passed en route from the airport to the hotel.

I know now that I have family that I am related to by blood on the east coast. But I have family that I am related to by luv on the west coast. And by luv I mean ass. Lots and lots of ass.

New Vocabulary

2007-11-14T08:45:00.000-08:00

Trick eye – similar to tennis elbow, the repetitive injury received when straining to the right too much trying to watch the play by play in the bleachers whilst ignoring the actual volleyball game taking place on the court. Or whatever the fuck it was

Foreplay fathered – a child that you give birth to by association after turning couples on on the dance floor and they thus go home together that nite and hit it. And make a baby. Anyone else wonder how many children they have foreplay fathered? I bet I have a whole fucking brood out there. Holla.

Fuzzy math-I’ve got 2 singles, 10 poles and we are short $20 on our tab. You do the math. Or, 10 people eat and drink and drink and drink for $15/each. W would be proud

Dis-unity sand – volleyball turf full of cig butts, beer bottle tops, and KY

The gays taught me more euphemisms for sex, anal sex, vaginas, penises, tits, and ass than the janitors at Penn Station -- favs include Chonchie and Pussy lachonch

Very Belated Ass Post - AKA Everything I needed to know I learned from the gays

2007-11-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

More takeaways from the gay wedding:

The gays are fucking awesome . They keep it fucking real
Hit if as often as possible
Life is good. And by good I mean drink heavily
No problem in life isn’t worth a 300% return on a bottle of ketchup
Sunday cocktails $5.50, ketchup at Walgreen's $2.99, getting $90 of of your $200 bill due to restaurant’s lack of ketchup: priceless
Big painting of dead rabbi in the art gallery where the reception was held : $90,000, pre-wedding mani/pedi:$30, hearing a wedding speech use the words “meatball” in it and still cry my fucking eyes out: priceless
New button down for the gay bro’s wedding: $90, change fee for missing flight $100, hittin it with the hotty in black and white on gay bro’s couch before skppin town = priceless
"I'm Legal" Armbands for cocktail hour:$5, personal bartender service: $10/hour, having your earlobe ripped off by groom1’s slizoshed bro:priceless
Mani/pedis by hot seemingly gay yet married nail technician:$30, hair product for big day: $5, running fucking late as shit because some lady was hogging all of the Koreans at the salon, forcing a marathon of ironing, steaming, driving, and stabbing eyes out with mascara wand so I don’t miss the whole fucking thing: priceless
Just like someone hosting the Emyms, the gay grooms/bitches changed like 5 times in the course of the nite
Nothing says wedding after party like jeans t shirts and leopard couches at a gay club
Nothing says first dance like Britney Spear’s "Gimme More"

My Big Fat Greek Gay Wedding

2007-10-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

No, no, not my wedding ya bitches. I got invited to my very first commitment ceremony. One of my bestest friend's was biting the gay bullet (pillow) and making his penis-for-life all official 'n shit.

A straight chick like me who has no sense of decor would imagine the flamingest gay wedding possible:

Trannies walk down the aisle - and by walk I mean sashay
The readings are from David Sedaris and Savage Love
Music by Babs and Cher
Pink yarmulkes for all
No beer anywhere
All the food is phallic -- crudite, bananas, breadsticks, dick-shaped cheese
Glitter is thrown instead of rice
Everyone is wearing heels

Now what would actually happen? I can't motherfucking wait for this partay!!

The Run Down

2007-10-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

WTF has my ass been up to since I stopped blogging?

LOTS of things my friends. LOTS of things.

Hiding my blog because I was too ashamed for this guy I dated to read about my single adventures in online jdate, shidduch dating hell

Working my jizzy job

Working my aerobics ass off, which apparently has reaped some benefits -- when the gays tell you you look good, you take that shit and run with it bitch

Attempting to meet a man that doesn't make me wanna slit my Semitic wrists

Trolling craigslist in every city around the world in the hopes that the Jewish version of Ryan Reynolds has posted a J-ho ad up somewhere

Realizing that I am, and will always be, one funny skank

The Phoenix Has Risen

2007-10-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

I have been bamboozled into raising this bad boy blog from the dead. So, similar to many of the dicks I saw at the gay bars this weekend, this thing is back up.

Love,
Khia - Who Rides Cars Like She Was Getting Paid for It

Door #3

2007-08-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

So instead of spazzing out and re-reading my sent email to the Russian and basically, giving too much of a shit, I have decided to reward myself on a weekend well spent by shopping. Low and behold, this website has special stuff thrown in at the end -- free shit you didn't even ask for -- kinda like when you order Chinese food and they send you extra free fried foomungyaki.

A RussianMan in New York

2007-08-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Everyone,

Be fucking proud of me: dance in your chairs at work, slap fives with your boss, and revive your faith in the good lord as I spent the weekend with the Russian Captain I met at my friend's wedding. I am not head over heels in love or any bullshit like that but he is a cool guy and goddamnit there is something there.

I was a fucking nervous ass wreck before hand and I am mildly embarrassed to look at my credit card records for all the skank-wear I bought.

I am such a good actress. Fucking played that shit off like I was the baddest chick on the planet. And he totally thinks I am. Nigga please

Blog is Now Protected

2007-08-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

Someone who doesn't need to be reading about my trials and tribulations found the blog so it's under lock now. Word Up.

DoubleTake

2007-08-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

Was chatting with a guy on Jdate and he asked me why I was still single? I don’t know fucklick, why the fuck are you single? And then I get my answer. He tells me he is doing a “social experiment” of sorts and that isn’t really his picture. He has 2 profiles up – one with his real pic and one with some fake ass model pic.

In all honesty, he is ugly as shit but definitely uglier on the inside for doing that crazy ass shit. I feel bad that someone would have to stoop that low to do that.

Can’t some ugly chick pick this guy up and save the rest of the world from his wrath?

End of The Wedding

2007-08-08T09:15:00.000-07:00

So after flirting with the Russian at the wedding I gotta get the fuck off of Long Island and into NYC for a blind date. I had agreed to give rides and shit (never rent a car again) and everyone had to get their shit together, say goodbye to everyone and their mother, and meet me in the little piece of shit economy car I rented. I am in wedding gear, blasting reggae and making everyone in the car listen to it b/c

a) I am pissed that I had to wait longer for everyone to kiss gbye to every single one of the bride's Moroccan cousins and drink Russian tea

b) I am nervous because keep in mind I had not seen a pic of blind date dude and he seemed really cool

c) I’m fucking tired because I have been up for a long ass time and this Day of Transportation is starting to get to me

Blind Date is basically like me if I were a frat guy. Kinda like Belushi - toga party a bit. It was just a nice time, great NYC moment and all that, but I wasn’t feeling it. I then go to my friend's apartment, it is 2:30 AM. I have to look for parking and finally find some. Which I get a ticket for promptly the next day. Whatever. I swear there was no sign but obviously I fucked up somehow.

Wake up the next day, I slept like 5 minutes, drive to LGA, and the shuttle is canceled. Just fucking canceled, and I cant get on another one til 6 PM since the others were sold out and no room at the inn for me. Believe me I pleaded, cried, called, spoke to humans, was nothing they could do. Considered just driving the rental car back to DC, I called and they said it would be $50, then I called my dad who said usually that is very expensive so I called again and spoke to an American and was told it would be $700 since it was returned to a different city.

NIX

So I call Amtrak and book a ticket on the noon Acela. It's 11:00 AM now. I had to drive thru NYC traffic to LGA, then return the rental car finally. I had them have a driver for me at the counter to drive me back into NYC to Penn station. It's 11:15 AM at this point, you would think that is enough time to go to Penn, maybe get something to eat, watch people rush to their trains. However, of course it takes fucking forever, I have no cash on me, so Miguel my driver has to run my credit card and I’m giving it to him to run while we are in route ya know? Stop at a light 'n swipe the card that sort of thing to save me some time since I’m gonna be sprinting to the station.

I jump out a block away and am runninggggg to the station. In my flip flops. Not wearing a bra, because I figured I would just get on the plane and sleep and my boobs are so small you cant tell. Shame.

I go to the ticket computer and print out my ticket make it on the train. Still have some ipod juice left thank god. But just read slept chilled ate the lovely cheese and crackers in the café car and remembered that I actually like train travel.

Now, my car is in the DCA airport, so I take metro from Union Station to DCA, get to my car, drive home and kill myself.

I spent more money in 24 hours on travel than should be allowed. That is NY you can spend the whole day just trying to get places

There must be a catch

2007-07-31T11:58:00.002-07:00

My friend’s wedding rocked the fucking house. Hells yes. I love weddings. Fuck it, I love parties. Dress rocked the goddamn house. And I totally found some great guy there – well, actually his mom kinda found me I think. Nothing like makin chit chat in the bathroom with some random woman and then meeting her son and then realizing his whole goddamn family is there and I am probably being watched like a 50 year old in a “To Catch A Predator” chat room.

Got over it after I realized:

A) it’s a wedding and everyone is thinking the same thing – open bar

B) parents fucking love me b/c I am outgoing and sweet and they would be lucky to have me bear their brood

C) I need someone to take to my company “offsite”

And on an anti-climactic note - blind date was kinda typical – nice guy, but no real Bubba Sparx. Was kinda disappointed after all that fucking build up. Whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Rejected MasterCard Commercial

2007-07-31T11:58:00.001-07:00

Flight to friend’s wedding = $120

Car rental via priceline = $50

Rotting like a fucking corpse on the tarmac for nearly 3 hours because a butterfly flapped its goddamn wings in antartica somewhere while sitting next to a little black boy singing gospel songs to pass the time as I chain chew trident and study the layout of every airport map served in the US and reschedule date for after the wedding and try not to kill someone = PRICELESS

Motivation, Ladies

2007-07-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

Lessons from NetFlix

2007-07-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from NetFlix saying:

"Great news! We're lowering the price of your 1 DVD out at-a-time plan to $8.99 a month plus applicable taxes. Now you can enjoy Netflix for less!"

I did nothing to deserve this unrequited price lowering. Wouldn't it be nice if other shit worked out for you in life without you having to do a damn thing?

Which reminds me of the black guy who hit on me in the grocery store last nite. I was wearing sweats and flops -- cut me some slack, it was a fast day after all and I just didn't give a fuck. He said he also likes to shop lookin "relaxed." I put zero effort into my appearance, and ch-ching, the chocolate bar of my dreams is there.

Survival Tips for Fast Days (& Weddings)

2007-07-24T20:59:00.000-07:00

Lose all anxiety or else you will not make it for a full day without soothing liquid or food to calm your ass down
Make sure the fast coincides with a lack of AC at work so you can have the perfect excuse to work from home
Work from bed after sleeping as late as humanly possible
Take a sleeping pill
Schedule various beauty treatments
Try on dress

Tisha B'av 2007 went off fairly well I guess. I can totally fast; it just sucks shit. I am "out of commission" for a day which is hard for my spazzy high energy ass to deal with. Makes me slow down a) because you are starving and weak and dehydrated and b) because you are starving weak and dehydrated. But I hope to be back on the fun-train that is me starting tomorrow. No local stops til I make it thru this weekend's wedding.

List of stuff to do before wedding:

fake n' bake
whiten teeth
manicure
pedicure
massage
find perfect shoes
find perfect bling
find new mascara - the kind that has some sort of hot man homing device in it
buy insoles for perfect shoes so I don't perfectly murder my feet
buy some liquid-skin for wicked blisters I have from last week's slutshoescandal
google/friendster/jdate/frumster/estalk.com the dude I am supposed to go out with
call in favor from my cop friend to run background check should the 'net prove fruitless
make a "calm the fuck down" playlist to be used after my "shake that ass skank" playlist
calm the fuck down

Had A Morning Quickie

2007-07-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

With the dress. Had to make sure we were on the same page before I went to work. Good for now. Thank god it's Tisha B'av tomorrow -- for my goyim readers out there, it is a fast day. Nothing says I am a good Jew like no food or drink for 25 hours. Yayyyy God.

Stop Fucking Around

2007-07-22T22:35:00.000-07:00

With me God. Tried on dress for wedding (not my wedding, William Saffire-ettes) and it wouldn't zip. No fucking way. I have been diligent with diet and exercise and even went to shul Friday nite and said a prayer for my ass (and for Darfur and poor people and all that other B List priority shit). Waited a few hours and it zipped up. WTF. Am now bringing 2 back up dresses in case it turns out doing shit like breathing and functioning make dresses harder to zip up.

Does something always go wrong for everyone or is it just me? I really think that nothing goes perfect for anyone but I am getting fucking bamboozled over here. Now now, I know I could change my perception and say, "Oh just change your attitude and think positive and it will all work out," but if attitude was all it took to lose weight, Apple Bottoms jeans would be out of business.

Mierda Santa = Spanish for Holy Shit

2007-07-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

Realizing that I cannot do everything by my fucking self, I decided to get an apartment-cleaner. Some Spanish chick gave me her biz card in the elevator of my building so I figure that she is reputable, unless my building-mates enjoy getting robbed for kicks.

So I called today to set up a cleaning session and she didn't speak a word of goddamn English. So what do I do to get my apartment address and time information belayed over to her? I type in my words on freetranslation.com. I sat there typing in my building number, address, apartment number, price, "keys will be in lobby", and finally rattled off my phone number in Spanish as well.

She thought I actually spoke Spanish for a while -- what a fucked up conversation that was!

Shame.

Oh yeah, and yesterday in the middle of teaching aerobics, my pants ripped. I fucking swear this shit only happens to me. Unreal. Someone was kind enough to give me their work blouse which I just wrapped around my waist until I could go change back into my work pants. Tried not to see that as another disaster in my life, rather, just a fucking expanded hole in pants that were honestly, at least five years old. And in a directly related event, turned down bosses offer to buy me lunch today.

My Bashert

2007-07-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

Bashert is Jew-talk for soul mate or intended....many of us are taught that there is one person out there that was created just for ourselves. Someone to drag around with thru our short time on this earth. I'm not sure if I buy that concept -- I think I could probably get hitched to lots of dudes and end up with a decent life. Someone invented "bashert" to keep people married back in the shtetl days -- if I believe that Moishe the Butcher is my life partner that god formed for my ass, why would I ever run off with Yankel the Tailor? Even though Yankel likes to run off to Africa for random weekends every now and then and participate in the Zulu Rain Dance Festivals?

However, I think I may have found him.

Check out this best of craigslist post:

MC Hammer Pants

Date: 2007-06-22, 2:58PM MDT

Guess what,

I was cleaning out my closet and I found 47 pairs of BRIGHT NEON MC Hammer pants. I was going to burn them and dance around the flames to try to make it rain or something, but I thought that maybe somebody would want these. They are absolutely the worst pants of all time. I can't remember being stupid enough to buy these, but I must have been. Either that or MC Hammer owes me a bunch of rent money. I have them all in a huge garbage sack sitting on the sidewalk. If you want them you must just come pick up the bag and drive away. If anybody comes up and tears the bag and spills those hideous things into the street where my neighbors can see, I will be very unhappy. Garbage collection is on Monday so if they aren't gone Mr. BFI gets them.

If you want this garbage, email me and I will give you instructions.

So I Creep

2007-07-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

At a recent work conference, a coworker lamented about a guy trying to monopolize her time and arrange for a private “sales” meeting, if you know what I’m sayin.

She told me how she thought the guy was totally creepy.

I said if he was hot and not older, obese, balding, or ugly, you would have been all over that shit like white on rice.

The fine line between creep and flirt is looks. If you are freaking ugly, then you become a creep tryin to perv out on someone; however, if you are good looking, its considered a little harmless flirting.

Oh, and I'm pregnant. JK!

Dear Hell, I Need A Room For One

2007-07-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

Boss said that he may not be in because of a sick uncle.

Is it wrong that I just prayed his uncle died and have done all sorts of religious things to cover all my bases to ensure Uncle Bob bites the dust?

Rosaries, prayers, Buddhist chants, holy water in my coffee, Indian death dances, please please please.

And on an aside, I know that R Kelly rapes little girls and all, but shit, I could listen to Step In The Name of Love all day.

Probably the JAPpiest Thing I Have Ever Done

2007-07-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

Dress I wanted wasn’t available in my size, so I asked the salesskank to call another branch and put that shit on hold for me. My pseudo-lesbo ass went to an out of the way store to try it on and it looks fucking awesome. My low self esteem havin ass looked goddamn good. I wanna wear that fucking thing all the time. I used to not “buy” into the thinking that dressing up made you feel better. Fuck it – it does. I look like a million dollars in that thing. Fuck it, I look like a million British pounds in that thing. I am going to just move into that dress, sit outside of all medical schools, lawyers offices, shuls, and suit sales at Moe’s Wearhouse, until I meet the JMOMD (Jewish Man of My Dreams).

When buying the dress I couldn't believe it -- had I become one of those JAPS who spends her free time hunting down clothes, making a fuss over ribbons and sizes and cuts and fabric? Cause that bitch ain't exactly rockin til the break of dawn. But it was "fun." Oh shit shopping can be fun. And I am admitting it. Yes sometimes I like to shop. I really don't have a penis after all. Breathe, relax, stick your ass out. Even black chicks like to shop.

Monetary Reward

2007-07-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

I will fucking pay anyone serious dolla dolla bills and/or be your private dancer for life if you get Ryan Reynolds to convert to Judaism.

Tour De Dickface

2007-07-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

Agreed to sub for a spin class last nite as a favor to the teacher who was stuck saving the world at work or curing cancer or something else pressing. In reality, he probably wanted to get his hair done. Whatthefuckever.

After the class some dude was mopping his ocean of sweat from the floor and mentioned to me that he usually sweats more. Implication: I gave a shit class.

I really wanted to punch him in his old ugly face and tell him to eat me because it was a good workout, other people liked it, and I am sorry it wasn't up to your speed but don't be a douchebag, if it isn't challenging, feel free to:

A) pedal faster
B) crank up the resistance wheel
C) walk the fuck out and go train with real cyclists, you know, the kind that bike outdoors and do races and tris and don't come to a goddamn health club where classes are taught by real people with non-Olympic event day jobs expecting Lance Armstrong to coach you along

No one is holding you back from pushing yourself harder. It's a goddamn dark ass room with loud music blaring. It ain't my job to fucking come over and take your pules for 10 seconds, multiply that by 6 and make sure you are in the 85% exertion zone for your age group, the 135-FuckingOldAsHellBastardWithNothingBetterToDoButComplain set.

But I couldn't do that. He isn't worth it and I can't let negative comments bring me down. I gotta let this shit roll off my back. And my neck for that matter (which is a reference to my alias, Khia). Oh look at me, making a joke. Shock.

Funny Ass Date Story I Never Posted or Why I Am Going To Hell

2007-07-11T10:57:00.000-07:00

For all of you goyim out there, there is yet another dating site geared for the Tribe called sawyouatsinai.com. Basically, a matchmaker sends a person matches. You can’t look at other members – only a matchmaker can “suggest” someone for you. It makes you think that actual thought goes into the process and makes each potential match seem, well, more potential.

A few years back (holy fuck, is that how long it has been), someone sent me a match and he seemed awesome: cute, athletic, knows the difference between Tisha B’Av and Tu B’Shvat. Then I read the last sentence of his profile “On a side note, I have a cochlear implant.”

Ok, so you are deaf and that is just a side note? No offense, dude, it’s kind of a big deal for us able-hearing folk to be around someone who can’t hear you – especially a loudass bitch like myself.

I agreed to go out with him thinking that I would just see how it went and try not to make fun of him out loud; but it was just too much. I had a million running cruel jokes in my head during the whole goddamn date. I felt terrible – terrible about myself for wanting to make fun of his voice, terrible about my life that I had been resigned to going out with a fucking crip, and terrible for this guy who has one of those “oh I know I’m handicapped but I am gonna kick ass attitudes.” Come on dude, it fucking sucks shit to be deaf – be honest.

Told my coupled off friend about the guy to which she replied, “My Man Don’t Need No Cochlear Implant.”

Craigs List Confessions

2007-07-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone else check out Missed Connections on craigslist to see if they are listed? I swear I do it sometimes. Shit, I looked nice yesterday, didn't anyone see me at the CVS picking up batteries and wonder if our glances could mean more? LAMEEEEE and SHAMEEEEE

Shadchan

2007-07-10T09:38:00.001-07:00

I decided to set up Blind Date Email Guy with my friend. I mean shit, if I can’t have him, at least let my friend have him so I can be reminded of yet another guy who I would have been more than happy to date who didn’t call back. Shame.

So I emailed him saying, “No hard feelings, would you be interested in a setup?” He said yes – which means that he did get my response to his email and he just chose not to ask me out again. Immediately I run through all of my perceived faults (fat, ugly, loud, a wigger) as to why he didn’t call back. But after sleeping on it, I now realize who gives a fuck why he didn’t call back. Short of going on Extreme Makeover Jewish Single Girl Edition, not much is going to change about myself and I’m not going to let some barely 5 and a ½ foot Jewish lawyer who tucks in his button down shirts make me feel bad. Shit.

Spam A Lot

2007-07-02T08:49:00.000-07:00

Well, the decent Blind Date Guy never called. I’m thinking he may not have gotten my witty ass response to his funny email to me and assumed I wasn’t interested? WTF else could it be? We had one of those dates where you plan on doing other shit together. Then again, maybe he was totally hammered. Then again, maybe God just HATES me. Yes, that is it.

Other than that, I managed to hit up a gay club on Saturday nite. I forgot how much I fucking love those places. I plan on spending a lot more time there. That will help my dating life fo sho.

Seriously My New Favorite Picture

2007-06-29T06:36:00.000-07:00

Blind Date Boy sent me this picture with the caption"thanks -- had a fun date." HA HA. Fucking make me laugh dude and I will holla back.

How hilarious is this shot? Some customer service douchebag from the 80s, complete with denim AC Slater button up shirt, class ring from community college, and Rand McNally map on the wall to boot.

On Islamic Irony and JewMuus

2007-06-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

My mom asked me to get my sista a “Shabbos Robe” so she can have something comfy to wear around the house, yet maintain the laws of Jewish modesty (IE be able to open the door and see the light of day without having to run and cover up an elbow or two).

What is a Shabbos Robe you ask? Sort of like a one piece muumuu that very religious Jewish chicks wear. It is a modest piece of clothing (Jew-burkha) that affords the lady of the house the comfort and range of movement not allowed by wearing a skirt with a waistline and a regular long blouse. It is basically a fancy ass robe that has evolved into its own fashion line over the years. They make them for all occasions, Shabbos, holidays, casual, clubbing (scratch that). I think their origin can be tied back to women needing something that allows them to multi-task on Friday nites – they walk across the floor in those long ass things and sweep the kitchen while they are serving guests. Lolly gag up and down Brooklyn and Jerusalem and you will see these shmattas all over the fucking place.

Now, I didn’t grow up in an Orthodox Jewish neighborhood, or even Jewish for that matter, and when I first saw those things I thought, well, they were ugly as shit. But I understand their necessity. If I wanna manage my household and stay covered up in something comfortable yet not just a goddamn bathrobe, then fine, whip out the JewMuu and this way I can sign for UPS packages without exposing an elbow.

Searching online for the perfect one for my sister. God bless my sweet innocent mom who said “Get something young looking,” which is her way of saying she also agrees that most of them are ugly as shit and she doesn’t want her daughter to look like Dorothy Zbornack from the Golden Girls in some shapeless swath of fabric.

The irony is that the Jew shops don’t have anything good. As my friend describes them: “vomitous -- a potato sack in aqua.” However, I have found a few good caftans at Islamic websites.

So to keep up with the laws of tznius (Jewish modesty), I am going to purchase a muumuu from the Arabs. No seriously, their mailing address is in Saudi Arabia.

My shopping friend adds: “Make sure to give the optional $5 donation to Al-Queda when you are at the checkout.”

Shame.

ManDate

The Blind Date Boy was actually decent. He is like my height and his teeth need some tweakage but he was Jewish cute and funny. Hope to see him again. Yay.

More Parental Wrap Up

2007-06-27T09:53:00.000-07:00

Is it bad that I love my parents a whole fucking lot? Part of me thinks that is a sign that I don't have enough hobbies -- I speak to them every goddamn day usually. In fact, if I don't call them on Friday before Shabbos and after Shabbos on Saturday nite - they seriously think I am deader than Anna Nicole.

On a more serious note, would I live my life differently if I didn't care about them? That answer is a FUCKS YEAH. I would be out doing serious drugs and clubbing my ass off I'm sure. Not even a fucking question. I try and make myself feel better about never really disappointing the 'rents by saying that had I done that I would probably just be another drug casualty and would currently be either:

A - DOA from doing X off of a razor blade, HIV, or the stress of having to be in 2 clubs at the same time
B - Some sort of serious addict (not just the kind that likes to hit the fro yo too often)
C - Al Bundy, reliving my old days because my current ones would suck shit ("I had 4 touchdowns in one game")
D - that crazy old lady in Studio 54 -- the party never ends, now does it?

The Bible Belt

2007-06-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

Anyone else read this ridiculous statement issued by the Wrestling Overlords after that psycho nut job killed his wife and kid?

“The physical findings announced by authorities indicate deliberation, not rage. The wife's feet and hands were bound and she was asphyxiated, not beaten to death. By the account of the authorities, there were substantial periods of time between the death of the wife and the death of the son, again suggesting deliberate thought, not rage. The presence of a Bible by each is also not an act of rage.”

The last part is the best. If all it took to make people un-ragey was a Bible, there would be peace on Earth, fools.

I have the Old Testament practically memorized. It ain't helping un-rage me in traffic.

Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner

2007-06-25T08:30:00.001-07:00

Got invited to a very nice couple’s place for Shabbat dinner on Friday nite. My parents were in town visiting as well and they were more than happy to have us all over. My parents are so sweet and innocent and don’t see that I don’t think it is the cat’s meow to sit around a table for 3 hours with random people and talk about Judaism. Yay God.

Guess who was there? Cancer Boy! Thank god he has forgotten me or else he didn’t act like he knew me. The irony is that my dad was there too – I half expected him to ask my dad how his cancer prognosis has been going. Shame. Whatever, thank god the hot 20 year old who was there sat next to me and was freaking awesome. Godamnnit why must you be so young, oh hot one? Another Jdate Stalker guy was there – he viewed my profile at least once a week and would write me so often, until I blocked his ass. He actually didn’t seem like such a weirdo in person, but too bad homes, you creeped me out for life with your Dahmer-like internet manners.

My parent’s had their wedding anniversary while they were visiting as well. The highlight was when I cranked up the radio at one point and my parents and I danced around my apartment to “Enough Is Enough” and whatever else they play on the Dentist Chair Radio Station to honor their years together. Totally felt honored that they were here – I love asking them questions about their courtship and overall state of the matrimonial union.

MOM: “I thought your father was handsome.”

DAD: “Your mother was a brick house – she wore these tight black pants with an orange sweater and a clock necklace that hung down right between her you-know-whats. I kissed her on the first date.”

Nice Dad, keeping it real.

The PictureLess Horseman

2007-06-21T08:25:00.000-07:00

Spoke on the phone, seems cute telephonically but God knows I have been fooled a MILLION times before once you actually see the guy.

I emailed me friend for advice re: I ain't go no picture except for an ugly brother and here is what she said below:

"Maybe he got a hot gene and is an aberration? Anyway more of a reason to get a pic. You cannot always tell attraction from a pic so it is up to you. Obviously if you are REPELLED by his pic there is no point but if you think he is OK then worth a try."

Tick Tock You Don't Stop

2007-06-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

I swear I had a revelation last nite -- I actually want a lot of kids. I know, I know, very weird. I have never been one of those chicks that melts every time she sees a baby and oohs and aahs when they do shit like well, shit. In fact, I see them as fairly annoying and time consuming and fucking needy.

But at the end of the day, I actually do think that family is pretty damn important. It is like your own little army that you get to hang out with all the time and program with your warped life views.

The Selfish Bitch in Me Wants Kids Because:
I need attention
More things to love me. ME ME ME ME
More things to control
More things to do and tick off my check list -- Look how cool I am, I can have a job and a family and still find time to hit the gym. I rock.

The Selfish Bitch in Me Hates Kids Because:
Take away my time
Make me fat
Make me stuck at home

However, I do have a lot of love to give and can really make a difference I think. In fact, when (if?) I am told that I am infertile, that could actually be a better deal for me -- I won't get fat and bloated and blame my kids for ruining my life and I get to have a basketball team to call my own.

To The Person Who Keyword Searched "big booty jewish girl:"

2007-06-19T06:18:00.000-07:00

And found my blog. Call Me. Seriously. Unless you are the dickhead who stood me up and figured that I would have a blog out and are trying to call me out on it -- if that is the case: eat shit and die.

I was walking to the gym yesterday and saw my profile in the glass of a building and just started cracking up. I am seriously not white. It's like I take ass-building class or Advil secretly added ass enlargement herbs in their formula. The front of me reaches one end of the building and my ass is still at the other end.

I love any song that has the following phrases:

2007-06-19T06:17:00.001-07:00

Scrub The Groud

Relax Your Mind

Bend That Back

ManDate (The Man Update for Short)

Supposed to be set up with some dude sans pic. I don’t know what to do. The bitch in me says to ask for a picture first – hello? How many times have I done this before? You chat or speak and it seems all good and great and then you meet in person and you realize that you could have saved a lot of heartache had you just swapped a photo. But you don’t want to ask because that would be shallow and mildly rude to end things without even meeting up. However, this is a two way street. I am hardly that full of myself to believe that no guy has ever met me and thought the same thing – damn bitch I wish I had seen your picture because I would rather be watching WWE in my boxers than feigning interest with you. Shame.

I couldn’t find him on the net anywhere with a picture. WTF. That means that either he has some important ass job and doesn’t wanna be stalked or he knows he is ugly as fuck and guards the net like a mother bird to its ugly eggs – protecting the eyeballs of everyone from his ugliness.

I did find pictures of relatives though and was not so pleased. Does the Ugly Apple Fall Far From The Tree?

My Neck & My Back

2007-06-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

Are killing me. You may wonder how I came up with the name for this blog. You may not give a fuck either. Tough shit. Khia is a rapstress who sings a nasty ass song called “My Neck, My Back.” It is frigging gross but I love it. That song is sort of my catch all theme for chick power – it also played on a second date I had with this guy way back when. I was mortified and ran to cover his ears because it was my idea to go to this black club and that was the first song to blare across the speakers. Shame.

I threw my back out or sprained something and am hurtin. Benefits of this: not going to work. ShitBenefits: being unable to sit up.

This has happened before at most inopportune times. Walking back from school and collapsing en route while trying not to drop my laptop, driving and trying not to run into a lamppost, teaching a spin class and not impaling myself on the handlebars.

Death of A Profile

2007-06-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Deleted the Jdate profile and am pretty happy about it. No more pencils, no more books, no more creepy dudes scary looks.

Sir SpamsALot

2007-06-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have been getting a shitload of spam lately and am convinced that Fat Affleck signed me up for some penis enlargement listserv to get back at me.

However, in case anyone out there wants e-venge on someone, it does seem like a good idea -- a vengeful act that will annoy the living shit out of someone -- what could be better?

Paging Dr. Kevorkian

2007-06-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

My Jdate account is on life support and I'm ready to pull the plug. In a last hurrah attempt at making my massively retarded dating life more interesting, I logged on last nite and did a final reach to any potential dudes. Chatted with 2 guys actually and gave 'em my real email so we will see what happens.

Tomorrow I delete my profile and will throw a "Time To Go Meet People Like A Real Human and Not a ComicBook Guy From the Simpsons Nerd Party" at my computer.

Pissed

2007-06-11T14:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Dude Who Begged Me For My Number then Never Called:

FUCK OFF.

Seriously, this dude was online in love with me. I could feel it in his emails -- then I hear jack shit from him. It is like we had an online one nite stand or something.

Feeling better about my love life actually. No real reason why. Maybe I have just accepted that if I become a spinster I will never have to put the toilet seat down.

NonAlcoholic Beer Goggles

2007-06-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

Had a fucking awesome ass time at my friend's wedding. She is one of the nicest people on the planet -- the kind of gal you could take to anything and she would jump right in and not give a flying fuck what others thought about her.

Went to some Jew party on Saturday nite and let my friend slut-dress me up. I seriously didn't recognize myself. I became one of those girls fussing with her tube top. Shame.

I did talk to some dude who I thought was totally hot -- my look, tall, cute, tall, Jewish. The kind that you don't come across very often. His tribal ancestors weren't sitting on their asses expounding Jewish law; they were out in the fields choppin' and shit.

Anywho, we were talking forever and a day and he didn't ask for my number or anything. Granted he was totally hammered and we live on opposite coasts -- good times. But still it would have been nice.

My friend told me afterwards that he had a glass eye or something because something was off according to her.

I didn't notice shit wrong with him and I wasn't even drunk. Am I just that hard up for a man that I will write off major disabilities or maybe it was just dark out? Yeah, that must be it.

After some recon, it turns out there is some sort of medical malfunction with him.

Guess this means I should start going to the Special Olympics in search of my next date.

I'm letting JDate expire in two days. I'm fucking excited. We had a good run but it's time to end it.

Dear JDate: I'm just not that into you. Love, Me

Uncomfortable Email

2007-06-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

Decided that I would actually rather be by myself then be on a boring ass date. I go through this conversation quite often in my head -- you have a nice time, there is nothing wrong with the dude, but there also ain't that much right with the motherfucker either. So I wrote back to Fat Affleck that it just ain't gonna work out. All's fair in love and the 'net.

I taught a kick ass class last nite at El Gymo. I fucking worked that class like a crack whore works a pipe. "Teacher is going to wedding 1 of 4 for this year by her goddamn self and she wants to look good, so take a break if you need it, but this train ain't makin no local stops."

Word.

And by word I mean shame.

Also, I saw the movie RIZE. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

Namaste

2007-06-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is just my increasing impatience with the world or increasing pissed off ness at the lack of a fucking cool J-dude in my life, but I went to yoga last nite in search of some fucking peace of mind and to stretch my over aerobicized legs out, and all I wanted to do was punch the living shit out of the teacher.

Do all yoga teachers (the annoying, holier than thou ones, at least) go to the same voice teacher to practice their fake as shit soft tones and condescending instructions -- "Remember to be patient." Did that bitch direct that at me? She must know I'm itching to move into the fast paced portion of the class instead of this glorified nap she is teaching to us.

Why can't yoga teachers be real and normal? We are at a goddamn gym, not an ashram in New Dehli. Don't speak to us like stretching out our hips is going to unlock all of life's grand mysteries. You can get your point across of relaxation and deep breaths without pissing me off. In fact, I used to go to yoga every day for a few years. Teach was so cool -- spoke like a regular human being, did regular human things like have a baby, bring her mom to class, invite us to her husband's film opening -- not float on some cloud all day long chanting Ohm to all of us heathen capitalists.

So despite feeling mildly rude I blew out of there early. Fuck it -- 3 other people left as well. I left more stressed out than before. I hope she gets demoted to yoga teacher remedial school. Her class sucked shit.

ManDate

Fat Affleck emailed me asking me out again. Oh joy. What is the best way to say I just don't think it is worth it?

A) Don't respond -- pretty fucking rude. Nix.
B) Go out with him again -- he is decent looking, has a good job, we are both cards and and can sit around making fun of people in our old age. Shame. I'm trying to get away from that mentality of being Comic Book Guy and Agnes Skinner.
C) Write back that I started dating someone else. Which means I move pretty fucking fast and I'm a ho. Reasonable.
D) Tell the truth -- you're a cool guy but I just don't see it happening. Now why would I make things easier on myself?

Need Some Jumper Cables

2007-06-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

Date #2 with Fat Affleck last nite, like many events in my life, wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined. As I am rushing to meet him I just kept thinking about all of the ways to get out of it and then I showed up and thought he was cute and well, just see what fucking happens you spazz. So we had dinner and it was fine. Little hug at the end and that was that. We get along but there just ain’t no real spark here I guess.

However, I have heard stories such as:

I didn’t kiss my husband til we had dated for a month

Our first 3 dates sucked but we kept going

Keep going until he repulses you

These snippets of encouragement make me want to keep foraging ahead in this fucked up dating world.

As we were leaving we walked past a line building for a rap concert that was happening at a local club. Micro chasm of my life – stuck at some mildly boring dinner while wishing I was at the real party somewhere else.

Did I mention I saw the Rock Star this AM en route to work? He looked good too. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I should have beeped at him and dragged him back to my apartment caveman style. He does have more hair than Fat Affleck after all.

Emergency Exits Located in The Back

2007-05-31T07:30:00.001-07:00

Have date #2 with Fat Affleck tonite and am very unexcited. I am going to have to psyche myself up or it ain’t gonna be good. I swear I am already thinking of excuses to get out of it. If I just reach that it’s not gonna happen point I will just fake disease – spontaneous labor or insta-cancer or something. Shame. Tempted to put my phone # here in case anyone wants to call and save me or get a fax of the layout of the restaurant so I can learn of the emergency exits.

SuperDater -- escaping dates in a single bound!

My Mp3 Player Has A G-Spot

2007-05-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

So after the toilet incident, things just haven’t been the same with my MP3 player. It doesn’t listen to me, it doesn’t last very long, it doesn’t get fired up as easily and its frankly, having me seek out alternatives that I promised myself I would never do – trolling for an IPOD. Shame. I swear that thing has a G-spot that can be kinda tricky to find – but if I don’t find it then I’m left without my musical lovin the next day.

How To Charge My MP3 Player:

Take off the headphones and cover

Insert the cord head in the hole with a slight angle to the left

Prop the player between a wall and a heavy object to keep the pressure from the cord constant

Double check that the player is happy by looking for the signal that it is being all charged up

Depressed Dude

2007-05-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Had a good time this weekend. My pseudo-lesbian ass finally got a bike. God bless craigslist. Got a sweet deal on a sweet red lil bike that I hope to use. I wanna be one of those people that bikes everywhere. It’s a perfect solution for my ADD ass. Don’t have to sit in traffic, can listen to music, get exercise, stare at hot guys and “accidentally” fall.

Guess who ran into Depressed JDate Dude Who Thinks He Is A Good Dancer at the cluuub on Sunday? Moi. It is fun having drama at the club. I am so not that person. I never see people I know or did…my people aren’t exactly hanging out at these places ya know?

As soon as he saw me he starts dry humping this short Semitic looking girl he was with – it was so not hot I don’t even know what to do. People were running away from them. I hope he noticed the very tall and cute and awesome dude I was dancing with playa, playa. He must have been part of either:

a) a Tall Convention in town

b) a basketball team

I am going to peruse (stalk) some roster photos of local colleges and find him. Must validate my random dance partner.

Choose Your Own Crotch

2007-05-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

On another fucked up front, this dude who basically stood me up after I had traveled to another fucking city to meet with him, won’t stop viewing my profile on jdate.

To PussyAssFuckFaceDude who stands girls up:

Stop viewing my profile. Either you are

1) a huge pussy who is trying to contact me again in a very ½ ass kinda way, as opposed to, oh I don’t know, emailing me and APOLOGIZING

2) a huge dick for continuously viewing me, as to twist the proverbial knife in my heart even further – a way of saying “hey you are still single, and I’m keenly aware of it”

Either way, you’re an AssFace. GO TO HELL.

Thank You Jews For Smokin

2007-05-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

Had a rockin Shavous at my friend’s house. They are a great couple and I love being around them so fucking much. They have an open house policy and are so accepting of everyone – despite living in an area not well known for Jewish tolerance – it just goes to show what kind of great parents they had who imbibed that ideal of love and kindness to their brood. My gals were there too and it was good times.

Now that the sappy shit is out of the way, back to the recap.

In traditional Judaism, you aren’t supposed to use electricity on holidays because it starts a fire by opening up a new electric circuit; however, you are allowed to use a pre-existing flame to cook or read with or fuel a disco ball if you were so inclined. Also, you can smoke cigs if you light the cancer stick from an already lit flame.

How fucked up is it that I’m itching to turn on my mp3 player, which is forbidden, but it’s OK for people to smoke a Camel. Shame shame shame.

Fat Affleck gave me a call so I figure why the fuck not – supposed to see him next week. If only Token Jew knew that I would have totally gone out with him again had he just called. No Risk, No Reward my friends.

Seen on the Road Today

2007-05-22T12:16:00.001-07:00

A piece of shit Honda from 1904 with “Spender” as the license plate.

WTF are they “spending” on exactly? Customized license plate fees, cuz their ride was JACKED UP.

Double Header

2007-05-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

Double booked my Sunday with 2 jdates. Why the fuck not? I already look nice for one guy, may as well double my pleasure whilst deciding if either of these dicks will be my PFL (penis for life). And by pleasure I mean emotional distress. The first one was a nice guy; both of us were brought up as token Jews in lil ole towns so that is always fun to discuss. And by fun I mean SNOOOOZZZEEEE. Victim #2 is Israeli – but not the hot soldier type. More like the smart bookish one. Jo-fuckin-y. He was also more bald and fat than his pictures, but very mildly resembles Ben Affleck. In honor of the Preakness, I would like to horserace-acize the afternoon.

Horse #1 – Token Jew

Horse #2 – Fat Affleck

Out of the gates, Token Jew is looking slow - 15 minutes late. Hello? I have another date after this, tell your boss it’s a fucking Sunday and you have a very hot Jewish girl waiting. And she is impatient as a mother fucker.

Rounding the first quarter, Fat Affleck is well, fat and not really looking as Afflecky as his pictures may have led someone with not-blind as a bat vision to believe

Token Jew inches forward – he enjoys his job and is involved with Jewish shit and can hold a normal conversation

Fat Affleck loses pace as he yaks about himself for most of the time

But Token Jew is wearing suit pants or something? Dude, ain’t you got some jeans or khakis?

But Fat Affleck tucked in a short sleeved polo in his jeans that were kinda high waisted. Nerdy McJew will be his next race horse name if there is a second race.

Token Jew is kinda cute, but not that cute. Had a bit of a gut and mildly awkward. Used to work as a divorce lawyer. Lionel Hutz will be his next race horse name.

Fat Affleck has a decent personality, but is more cynical than me it seems. SCARY.

Its Token Jew by a nose.

I Rest My Case

2007-05-17T09:15:00.000-07:00

To the court of singledom:

What is the fucking deal. Met this lawyer dude (hold your seats) on the INTERNET. He lives out of town and said he was coming to town for work and wanted to go out with me. Fine, why the fuck not, he seemed cool and normal, has a real travely important law job saving the world ‘n shit, but wait, why hasn’t he sent me his picture? He can see mine but I get nothing. So I asked him and he claimed that “I am old school, and new to this internet dating thing and I don’t have one.”

Either he is:
1) 400 pounds
2) A friend of mine who set this whole thing up to try and boost my spirits and in reality she will show up instead of this fake Lionel Hutz Douchebag, Esq

Signed,

Patiently Waiting

Ryan Reynolds Jr/ManDate

2007-05-14T09:52:00.001-07:00

Had a Jdate Sunday with a smaller version of Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, Ryan Reynolds, the hot Canadian from Van Wilder, Blade, Waiting, and my dreams. Cute dude. Would totally go out with him again if he called but I am not banking on it. Plus our versions of Judaism are like nite and day.

Never heard back from Skinny Boy. Did drive past him while he was going to work though. Thoughts of running him over dissipated as I imagined having to share a prison cell with a girl named Bubba.

Drop It Like Its Sweaty

2007-05-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

Had a decent weekend. Went to the Carlebach minyan on Friday nite. Carlebach refers to a Rabbi Sholomo Carlebach, who is affectionately known at the "Singing Rabbi." My kind of guy for sure, except I think he was known to have been a little "friendly" with the ladies back in the 60s. But, hell, he makes shul more fun, so I will overlook that -- in fact, I'm sure 99% of the musicians I listen to have some baby mama drama in their lives. Who am I to judge?

Saw a cute guy there and afterwards just made up a lame excuse to talk to him. Something fuckin stupid like "what time are services tomorrow?" -- as they are announcing what time they will be tomorrow.

Eventually the guy lets it be known that he is moving soon to go away to law school. Of course he is. But good for me for trying. Yay.

Birthday partied at a local haunt on Saturday nite. Twisted some dude's nipple when the music got boring and sweat so much my shirt changed colors. At the beginning of the sweatfest, I did not raise my arms too much and cursed the strobe lighting for changing to fuckin Lite Brite right when I wanted to clap or put my hair up. However, I soon realized that my entire shirt had now become a sweaty green (is that an LL Bean color -- sweaty green?) so I could wave my hands in the air like I just didn't care.

Now, to justify my sweatiness let me just add that I am getting laser hair removal under my arms, and I am not allowed to do anything hair removal wise between treatments. Otherwise this would not have been an issue, but why would my life be easy like that? Nigga please.

No Word From Skinny Boy

2007-05-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

Alert the media. He didn’t call. And we went out on Tuesday nite. Ya know, people SUCK sometimes.

Have a date with someone else Sunday. But I know it is a bad idea already. It will be the story of my life. The cool Jewish guys don’t know shit about being Jewish. The guys that are into their heritage somewhat are fucking McNerdies.

Stay positive...stay positive....kill everyone...stay positive. I feel better now. Not really though.

The Further Grinding of My Gears/ManDate

2007-05-10T14:17:00.001-07:00

I hate it when people think they are doing the world a service by saying hello to their doormans, office janitors, bank tellers, etc. If you think that makes you a good person, boy have I got news for you -- YOU ARE GOING TO HELL.

I also hate it when you have a good time with someone, let's say, a date, and they don't call back as soon as I want. I suppose some underlying themes to my blog are being reiterated here:

I have the patience of something very very not patient

Dating is not always on my schedule

Schedules suck shit

Dating sucks shit

Being inpatient sucks shit

Why hasn't the Skinny Dude called yet? And by yet I mean why didn't he call last nite. Damnit I guess I do like him.

Haven't heard back from the CPA Nerdo who couldn't tell a torah from a koran. He was a nice guy but, as we say in the game, not for me.

I resisted the urge to not log onto JDate and saw that Skinny Rat Bastard did log in last nite.

A) He was logging in to reread my awesome profile and restare at my gorgeousness

B) Some other bitch wrote him and offered a guaranteed happy ending if he buys her a drink. Or will speak to her in public.

So I chatted with some other dude and we are supposed to meet for a drink soon, so I guess that is good. It really is about just meeting new people. New people that weigh more than my dead goldfish.

Which is Better, 1 or 2?

2007-05-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

Ya know how when you get your eyes checked the visionologist asks what looks better, 1, or 2? That is what I was feeling before my date last nite with Skinny Dude. His first picture on Jdate was way cute. Second picture, way not cute. But he seemed like a good guy, so fuck it, lets go and see which camera angle he needs to nix from his repertoire.

THANK FUCKING GOD he looks like the first picture. He is cute. Had yet another, “Why didn’t I wear more makeup” moment, but it was dark and I looked nice all in all. He didn't look as thin as 140, but then again, maybe the darkness adds 50 pounds?

Met for a drink. Conversation was good. He works in TV – umm, can you hire me? I’m an entertainer. See I can sing, I can dance, I can make you laugh. Please please please.

He is the kind of cute that most straight people would consider him to be nice looking, but gay men would think he is HOT. So hands off, to my 3 dear gay male readers – this one is mine.

Red Flags:

He has been in town about a year but hasn’t really made too many friends yet, so maybe he just wants a friend – which is fine because I need some friends too. But I can’t stay friends with someone that cute, single, Jewish, male, and straight for long.

Religion – fucking hell. Yes, he is Jewish but I think he thinks I’m like a Jewish nun. No dude, I’m really not but yet I do have certain traditions that I enjoy keeping. Oy. Who gives a shit.

The Bean Counter

2007-05-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

Been out twice with someone getting his second bachelors at the ripe age of 28. Very nice guy, cute, a gentleman, a bit of a nerd with a dash of social awkwardness thrown in there for more spice to my evening. Really, all of his male friends have coupled off so I think he wants a girlfriend so he can have someone to hang with and help him keep his shit together.

Fine, he is nice, stop being a bitch and have a nice time.

We sit down to eat and he told me his roommate is going to Israel in two weeks.

I said “Oh, for Shavous?” (that is the Jewish holiday happening in, oh 2 weeks, in which many MOT visit the Holy Land)

“What?” he said.

FUCKING SHIT. Dude, you don’t even know a fairly major holiday in the Jewish calendar. My non Jewish neighbors from home know more about Judaism than this guy. I just don’t think I have the patience to be this guys Jew-tutor ya know? Now, if he was totally hot, cool, and loaded, maybe I would change my mind.

Will go out again because he is a good person but not really excited.

The Next Victim

2007-05-08T07:40:00.001-07:00

His profile says he is 5’10” and 140 pounds.

Um hello? I weigh more than that, and I’m 5’3”. He also writes that he loves sushi. Does he actually eat the sushi? Maybe he just loves looking at it? Because there ain’t a whole lotta eating going on with this dude unless that is a serious typo. Maybe he is a crack head, or has AIDS. Maybe he is just another frail Jew. I can’t wait for tonite’s date!!! At least he is rich!

Mascara Worthy

2007-05-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

One of the demarcations I use to gauge my level of excitement of an event is if I want to put on mascara. Not viewing the magic black stick as a burden that will irritate my contacts and smudge if I cry – rather, I want to put that shit on because, according to the lady at the MAC counter, I have size 7 lashes.

I did not feel like going to shul/shabbat services on Friday nite. I just wanted to go home sit and mope and cry into my fat free biscotti. But ya know what, that wasn't going to help me meet new people. I was invited out to a Derby party as well but did not feel like getting dressed up and throwing up on makeup and all that shit. But if nothing changes, then nothing changes. Mr. Jewthefuckever ain’t going to mysteriously find my apartment (IE my bed). I work out when I don't want to, I go to work when I don't want to, I do a lot of fucking shit when I don't want to, so I put on my lil skirt, looked fucking good and off I went.

So I figured wtf, off I go – keeping some Bone Thugs N Harmony songs on a continuous loop in my head as I walk to serve the lord. Who do I see of course? The rock star. Looking good too. Fucker. At that point I gave thanks to the crazy cell phone distracted
driver who got in a wreck and caused the traffic that gave me the downtime during my drive home from work which I used to gel my hair up and put on 5 layers
of lip gloss. Thus, by the time I left for shul I, and my hair. looked fucking good. Like how Latina girls will put so much goddamn gel in their hair that their scalp becomes bulletproof? Yeah that was me.

We chatted and it was fine and that was that. Just glad I looked good and happy and was ON. Proves that I do have that happy go lucky gal in me. Just need a hottie Jew man catalyst. I saw some other cuties. One guy was really nice and welcoming to the new Jewgirl in town. But he had a ring. SHAME. You mean people will talk to other people for reasons other than flirting? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Spy Act

2007-05-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

Hold on to your seats people, the CIA Guy did the following over the weekend:

Thursday nite – texted me “Yowsa, I’m excited to see you again.”

Friday nite – called me wishing me a nice weekend

Friday nite – texted me wishing me a Shabbat Shalom

Now, I don’t text. I don’t pay for it and only use it an emergencies and I also think it is a bullshit way to keep in touch with someone. Unless you need an address and can’t talk because you are at an opera, pick up the fucking phone. Otherwise, send me an email – it can’t be that urgent. Shit. Clearly I am not someone who gets those "Meet me naked in 10 minutes at my place " kinda messages. *Sigh*

On Friday my phone ran out of juice so I did not have time to call him before Shabbos started. Saturday nite right when I was getting ready to call him back, I get another text:

“I have to cancel tomorrow, take care.”

This dude thought that I was blowing him off me thinks. So I did the mature thing and called him explaining that I did not have time to call beforehand, my phone died, the cat ate my throat, but gimme a call back and we can reschedule.

That call will be returned when Osama visits the Holocaust Museum.

WTFever.

On a positive note, I did officially join my local shul/syngagogue. Now I can meet people in a more normal ass way. This internet shit is getting to me for reals. On a non-positive note, membership was $500. DAMN son, being Jewish is expensive. I better get a return on my dues in the form of someone very hot and very male and very single or I am going to boycott God.